Apparently a month has gone by without a post; likely something that I’m bound to work on in the new year ahead. Perhaps I should recaps on the happenings in the last month or so before I share the reason for the title itself.
My work has been an absolute positive experience. Sure, it’s not Target, but it’s a great start to a budding and completely unforeseen career. The more I think about it, the more my career in Marketing makes complete sense – and teaching becomes further and my zeitgeist for education dwindles. There is even talk about actually hiring me to the company, which would be great to have the illusion of job security, instead of thinking my contract ends in a few months. I’m also thinking about picking up a side job at the Caribou that I visit often – mostly just for the social aspect and for the “I just need something else to do” aspect.
About two/three weeks ago, I started talking to this boy on OKCupid (which rarely happens), and we have hung out quite a bit the last week or so. It’s somewhat transformed into more of a friendship, which is where the title begins to form. See, here’s the thing: this guy is really nice … he is able to hold a conversation and obviously likes me, but I’m not sure if I want him to be anything more than friends. This is ironic because for the last, oh since I began writing this blog, I’ve mentioned how much I want a boyfriend etc. etc. etc., but when the chance comes, I pull away. Why?
Perhaps it’s from my initial start with him as being a “friend” and I am caught off guard that it became more, but I didn’t want it to become more. Perhaps its from things about him that I don’t like but, as always, push aside when it comes to the idea of relationship. Whatever it is, I’m almost too afraid to say something because the result will be like every other guy I’ve done this with: rejection and ultimately the friendship ending and I’m back to square one. I just need gay friends, is that so hard? Apparently, it is because I have made about two in the last four months living here.
Naturally, I’m writing this as I flirt with a bartender at a coffee shop, but I just fundamentally think I’m not ready for a relationship. There is too much change I have to make to myself – too much love I need to gain for myself – before I can fundamentally love another person (or open my heart to someone else). Avoiding a Frozen reference at all cost, I just don’t think I’m ready for it. I can flirt, sure, and if someone who challenges my notion comes along, perhaps it will be welcomed. But this guy that I’ve been “seeing” is, at this point, not that person for me. Perhaps I’m calling it quits too soon, but the heart wants what it wants (thanks Selena).
I suppose the point of this post is me realizing that I can’t date until I love myself … or discover what to love about myself. Who knows when that will be; hopefully soon, but for this poor guy, he will be another victim of the hate which has infected my being. Whoa … deep. Time to stop.