Body Dysmorphia & Fitness

As I sit in a gay coffeeshop this morning, I reflect that about one year ago to the day I began this blog as an almost live journal to my life. With the turmoil of losing my first job (and likely my first career), I wanted to express whatever I was feeling openly and honestly, without providing too much context as to the who. Today, I wish to share a little bit about some of the most traumatic experiences in my life and how that has affected my perception today.

My physical image has always been something that I have been fundamentally in tune with. When I was younger, I was a very scrawny creature. Cue aging, and a lack of activity, and my body began getting bigger and bigger. With this larger exterior came a heavier baggage … bullying. For the most part of my life, friends have not been the easiest for me to maintain or to obtain strictly because of this bullying that I experienced as a kid. I was often called fat behind my back, I was never chosen first (usually last) at sports (probably for more reasons than just my lack of a physical body able for sports).

My parents wanted me to partake in activities, so they had me try baseball, football — to which I really gave my all; I even tried tennis. With each of these sports, I felt confused and rather out of place. When hurtful words of my largeness came into play, these psychologically altered my perception and, thus the premise of this post.

I lost weight after eighth grade and got thinner. I gained weight again in college and, after, lost an incredible 30 pounds of weight … and people thought I was skinny then … so how could I lose that much weight? Even now 30 pounds lighter, there are still pockets of fat on me and people continue to call me skinny.

To be perfectly fair, I think people may actually find me to be skinny. Yes; I am slimmer than I have ever been, but does that define me as skinny — and, if not, then what is my definition of skinny.

While I know I am never going to have Zac Efron abs, I do desire some type of definition in my midsection. Or, more obtainably, no love-handles or muffin-tops. People don’t understand that, when I wear clothes, there is fat that goes over the pant/boxer line, and this is the visual image that bothers me so much. I don’t care if I’m not strong, I just care that I can take my shirt off and feel good about it. I want to be someone looked at, not just glanced at.

To be continued … this is a long post tbh.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s