A thawing heart

Yup — it’s been an age since I last wrote here. But despite “hell freezing over” in the political arena (and in the progressive nature of my beloved country), there has been a thaw that I didn’t expect to happen.

People: my heart beats again.

In my last post, I mentioned that I removed myself from most dating apps, as a way to “theoretically” radicalize and cleanse myself of the apparent stereotype of the space: sex-driven and without care of learning about one another. Well, I was three months strong but then went back online for “a short while” to see if anything had changed.

A ping.

For about a solid two weeks (if not more), I’ve been messaging this guy and we finally had our first date on Saturday. I wouldn’t call it romantic by any means, but when dates make you genuinely laugh, there’s something about them that’s worth keeping them around. And that night was so wonderful: the food, the music (we went to a choir concert) and the company.

That evening ended on a wonderful note when he was okay with going on another date.

Several conversations, and mushy gushy text messages, later, I have seriously no words to describe how I’m feeling right now (except those that I am able to transcribe here). He’s funny, witty, is already starting to “figure me out” and we’ve only met once. I’m probably hyper-sensationalizing these feelings but, if those feelings are mutual (which they are), I can’t help but think if this guy might stick around longer than all the others had.

Of course I’m over-analyzing this, and luckily he’s a therapist so I think he’ll do an amazing job putting me in my place. But part of me really wants to hold back my feelings — because I guess I’m afraid of letting my emotions get carried away. I don’t want everything to be great and then break and I revert to an even darker version of me.

But that’s a “what if” and not an “actual” and I need to remind myself of that. Until that faithful day where the question of “what are we” is asked and I update my Facebook profile with the rare “in a relationship with …” all bets are off.


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