Located three blocks from the warm sands of the Oceanside [CA] beach, I find myself conveniently perched with a coffee in hand breathing fresh life into my blog. Laughably so, I once again write about my ever-persistent pursuit of weight loss and how I tragically find failure.
But not today, satan, not today.
Rather, it’s a topic that loosely tries to figure out the why of my failure. I’m a creature of habit, and blaming failure on anything than myself is both narcissistic and fundamentally flawed to the nth degree. As I continue to write and write and write about this topic, I think I’ve finally come to the conclusion of the source of failure. It lives within three truths:
- I compare myself (unfairly) with others
- I hate myself
- I’m afraid to change
I compare myself (unfairly) with others
There have been a few trends in a lot of my posts that allude to the ‘ideal image.’ I have this really great friend who doesn’t even understand the concept of imperfect. Hell, his entire life is practically “perfect”; even his so-told ‘issues’ with his boyfriend are laughably ordinary and something he undervalues (I digress). Easily, I compare myself to him:
- He’s “great” looking.
- People are drawn to him (both personally, sexually, etc.).
- He has a “perfect” income.
I recognize his ‘perfection’ is not real; in fact likely fabricated and only a sliver of what is actually happening. But because I can’t see that, he lives a seemingly ordinary life.
This is unfair.
It’s unfair that I don’t see how great I have things:
- I’ve paid off my debt.
- I have a job that I enjoy (for the most part … the pay could be way better).
- I have complete independance.
The only thing that I struggle with recognizing is that I do look good. I do attract others. I do have a stake in this world. I struggle. We all do. But if I cannot see this, I never will.
But I will try harder.
I want to become a better self. A better me. I want to look into the mirror and see what I do: confidence, power, strength. I don’t see that right now; hell my uncle confirms that when he pokes at my stomach when I’m standing (yeah, it really fucked with me … dysmorphia/eating disorders is/are not a joke). This is my next journey: not a goal, not a fucking “resolution,” but a habit that I need to obtain to be at peace (finally).
I hate myself
At the end of the day, notice the language of the last paragraph. It’s vile, corrupt, infected with negativity that eats away at myself. I loathe myself. I despise myself. Self-deprication. In order to actually move past the first piece (judgement), I first need to find the strength and love for myself.
As cheesy as it might sound, I need to romance myself and find out the things that make me special; that make me unique; that make me memorable.
In marketing, these are called Marketable Traits, I guess, or perhaps I need to write my Positioning Statement. Whatever it is, I need to figure out myself. Perhaps that means I need to shelter myself — I need to disappear into myself. Meditate. Reflect. See a therapist. Whatever it is, this probably is the first thing that needs to change before I can truly change myself. Who knows; maybe I won’t need to change myself once I accept myself for who I am.
I’m afraid of change.
In all reality, I think this is root cause of everything. My failures. My hatred. My judgement. I’m afraid to really change.
I’ve seen a lot of people (including my friend mentioned above) consumed by perfecting himself. He’s so absorbed in himself (his looks, his income, his appearance on paper, etc.) that he is forgetting about the little things that matter most.
I think I’m afraid of giving up everything I am to become that which I want to be. Does my “fatness” give me kindness. My “hatred” give me unconditional love. My “judgement” give me creativity. Do these seemingly small flaws give me the traits needed to be exactly who I am?
I don’t want this post to be another “I promise to be …” post. Rather, I want to at least think about (I think I can do that and succeed, right?) how my choices in the future will benefit (or not). What do you think? Have tips for someone experiencing things like myself? Write some comments below. I’d listen.